On old TVs and other serious shit

Alright! So how do you guys spend your weekends? Don't think I am a nerd but I spent the rest of yesterday after the match curling up in my bed, watching videos on how to use a chef's knife properly and in general a lot of videos on knives. Why? Because I heart good knives and also my surrogate parents were out having fun with fussball and what-nots and that obviously meant that I had to hold back my long-distance shenanigans for some time. Now my surrogate mother is obviously something special coz she is three months older than me and the fact that she has taken up being my surrogate mother makes me the closest case to Immaculate Conception. Or, is it the Anunciation? In any case the point is that she is generally full of grace, divine or otherwise. At least I used to think so, till last night. 

You guys remember those box-televisions that came with four legs and looked like cabinets - in one of which a poet-couple used to store their undies when the TV itself ceased to work? As it turns out, my surrogate mother once had one such TV fall on her head. (As an aside , this reminded me of a close friend of mine who once had a Godrej lock fall on her head which made her miss one session of weekly debaucheries with us but let that story be told some other time).  Also they used to have a fridge the door of which had to be tied with coir rope.  It may or may not be the reason that she sometimes acts weird around appliances. On the other hand, I grew up with having a TV in our place that used to go mute every three minutes and then someone would have to mildly knock on its sides, slap and then progressively hit it all over to get back any sound. Initially this hit-man used to be me but then watching TV became such a strenuous physical exercise that I quit. This probably explains why TV still holds no charm for me but this post is not about that. 

After my hours-long training on what constitutes a good knife and what is junk, I went on to video-chat with my surrogate mother and informed that most of her knives are junk and the one that she uses most can or should be ideally used for slicing bread only. At this point she suddenly went batshit-crazy and threatened to cut off certain vital organs (if I had one of those stuff that starts with an N and rhymes with the Korean for asshole, remember? I knew it's unforgettable!!!) with that said bread knife!!!! I mean how much more kinky a "divine grace" can get I ask you! It was hysteric.. and then I realized that Surrogate Mother has the initials S.M. Reminds you of something or I am the most kinky psycho around here who's about to get her nonexistent dick cut off with a bread knife? Huh?!